Thanks for the inspiration APDiggs! New reworked opening to “Come with Me”.

Thanks to one of my readers leaving me a comment and giving me an idea for a new reworked opening which I have written the first 1000 words of and I am quite proud of it so far. You can find his blog here.

Below is the new opening:

The lights flashed outside the window. Red. Blue. Red. Blue. Red. Blue. The sirens cut off and I heard car doors open and then slam shut. There was knocking on the door and a man’s voice saying something loudly but I wasn’t paying attention to the words.

I slowly walked over to the door and reached up to open it but then stopped with my hand outstretched reaching for the latch. My hands were covered in blood. I looked down at my top, it was all over me.

The voice speaks out again, I still don’t pay attention to the words.

I grasp the latch and turn it, letting the door swing inwards as suddenly police officers swarm into the room, followed by the paramedics. One of the officers put his hands on my shoulders and walked me outside.

The lights continued flashing, red, blue, red, blue. There was a lot of people, people I knew stood outside in their pyjamas. I shivered as I looked up towards the sky. It was the middle of December and snow cascaded down lazily, a stark contrast to the urgency of the people in uniforms rushing around me.

I was sat in the back of one of the ambulances as paramedics checked me over, making sure none of the blood was mine. It wasn’t. It was my mothers.

I could hear the slow drone of someone talking, they were saying the same thing over and over again. It seemed important.

I tried to focus on it and it took me a while but eventually I made it out.

“Eric?”

I shook my head to clear the cobwebs and looked up towards the officer that had asked the question, “yes?”

“Eric, sweetheart, what happened? Can you tell us what happened to your mother?”

“My dad, he…”

Oh God, what did he do. How could he do this.

“You have to catch him. Please catch him.”

“Believe me, we’re trying,” says the officer who brought me to the ambulance. “Come on, we’ll have to go to the station for now.”

“Okay,” I stand slowly and follow the officer to her car. She lets me sit up front.

She switches off the lights on top of her car, replacing them with the white headlights. It reflects off the thick snowflakes, making them almost blinding. We set off through the snow, tires crunching.

 

#

 

            “Eric, I have to go deal with something but I’ll be back as soon as possible. Are you alright waiting here?”

Here was the waiting room of the Rosewood Police Station. I nodded that yes I’ll be fine on my own and she gave me a nice smile and then headed off. My eyes began to wander around the room. A plump female receptionist sat behind the desk and gave me a smile as we made uncomfortable eye contact. I tried to smile back despite myself but I don’t think my mouth muscles were going to work that way for a while. How could I smile after all that’s happened?

I moved my eyes, and carried on glancing around the room. There was a table next to me with some old newspapers and magazines on it. Pamphlets were spread out there also, ‘see a crime, dial 999’ they read.

That’s what I had done, I saw a crime and dialled that magic three digit number”. Coming home from my after school archery class to see…that. My mum led there covered in blood, the knife…

No, I can’t think of it. Stop thinking of it. Get out of my head.

            I let out a sigh, it’s going to be a long night.

 

#

 

            I’ve been sat waiting for two hours now and the police officer still hasn’t come back and no one has said much to me, other than offering me a drink every now and again.

I’m staring at the plastic surface of the floor beneath my feet when the door opens and a male police officer, who if he was green would have been as beefy as the Hulk. A girl about my age follows him in and sits down a few seats away from me. She has long blonde hair, that hung halfway down her back. Her eyes, were a strange shade of grey, almost silver, as the light shone in them. She looked very sad.

“I’ll be back soon okay?” Says the officer, and leaves. Just like my police officer did.

I find myself stealing glances over to her and eventually she looks at me and our eyes lock. Unlike with the receptionist, this didn’t feel awkward. Not in the slightest. She smiled at me and what do you know, I managed to smile back. Slightly.

She says, “hello”.

“Hey,” I managed to say back but then before the conversation could go any further the door which she had just come through reopened and this time my police officer walked in.

“Hey Eric, how are you holding up?”

“Erm…I don’t really know.”

“That’s understandable, it will take you a while but we have informed the social services and they will be making themselves available to you should you need them. For now though we should get you out of here. Do you have an Aunt who lives on Lauderdale Avenue?”

My heart sinks, I would rather spend the night in one of the cells hear than spend a night there, but I just nodded in silence, devastated as I knew what was about to come next.

“Great, as she’s your next of kin we contacted her to inform of what has happened to her sister and she has agreed to take you in.”

“Okay, when are we going to go?”

“Now’s as good a time as any.”

“Oh…okay.”

I slowly stand and walk over to the door, as the officer steps to one side allowing me to walk past her. I cast a glance over the girl but she’s looking at the floor, her hair having fallen forward hiding her face and eyes.

The door leads to a plain corridor, the fluorescents bouncing off the white walls. We go through another door, through a foyer and out into the cold white winter night.

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4 thoughts on “Thanks for the inspiration APDiggs! New reworked opening to “Come with Me”.

  1. I love this opening. It conveys well the emotions that the main character is feeling, and I like the introduction of the girl, too. It also gave me a bit of a creepy feeling, which I like when I read stories. 🙂

  2. Much better Daniel. Very dynamic and more tense. It’s a very good opening.

    One thing you must keep in mind when posting your work on your blog. When you do this, it is considered ‘published’. Selling it later can be next to impossible if anyone can read it here for free.

    It’s fine to post poetry. Not a big market there. Any ‘literary’ fiction will not get you rich. But when it comes to ‘genre fiction’ like this Supernatural YA, which has a big market, they will not look at published work.

    Getting feedback is imperative when writing, particularly from other writers. I suggest joining a writing group, one that you have to put in a password. Posting your work on private boards like that are not considered ‘published’. Those are the places where professional writers have their Alpha and Beta readers go over their work.

    You are a talented writer Daniel. If you write as a hobby, by all means continue to post your work on your blog. But if you plan to make a career of it, take the steps to establish yourself as a professional. As I mentioned in the past, my group is still open and would welcome your work and opinions.

    Your friend.

    AP Diggs

    1. Hey glad you like it thank you 🙂

      With regards to posting my work online, my plan in the long run is to post the opening as a free ebook short story for people to read on the Kindle and then if they like that and I have got their attention then they could buy the rest of the book if I choose to write one.

      I’m only ever going to be posting the opening online in that sense 🙂

      And thank you for the invite I’ll keep it in mind, I’m really busy with work and things so not sure if I’d have the time to be able to sit and be a good member of the group, reading other work etc, wouldn’t be much help

  3. No problem.
    Since you are going the self-publish route you can post a teaser chapter or two. That’s fine.
    I still believe you can get a lot out of a writing group. Zoetrope Virtual Studios (zoetrope.com) offers a more informal setting where you can post and critique at your leisure. From flash fiction, poetry, screenplays to film making, they offer a good community of artists that support one another.

    Cheers.

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