Alternative Opening for DAWN (Suggested by APDIGGS)

Hey guys thanks for the feedback had some good stuff both on here and online too so thanks for that. A regularly commenter and someone who always offers great advice and can be brutally honest (which is what you need when you get feedback, constructive criticism) suggested a new opening for my film which I loved. So today whilst I was struggling to get the story going again as I felt like I’d written myself into a corner I decided to just rewrite the opening and now not only do I like it more than the original, it’s laid some foundations for how I can now move the story forward.

This is why I am a strong advocate of getting your work online no matter how crap you may think it is, with a great group of readers you can really get the help or the push you need to get going again, so here is the new opening!

DAWN OPENING

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2 thoughts on “Alternative Opening for DAWN (Suggested by APDIGGS)

  1. Nice, more answers this way as well as more questions. Such as why Roy? Very sinister. Nicely done.

    However, speaking for myself, I had loved the original version you’d come up with where he had tried offing himself over a soured romance and become an alcoholic. And that he had an ex-fiancee and then met the new gal through D. A. W. N. What I had I liked about that concept was the fact of an ordinary guy going through a bad time, gets caught up in something so big and unexpected that changes him and his life forever.

    What you have now works too, but has a much different feel to it. The original had a more unexpected and twisting turning saga to it filled with wonder and questions that got resolved. I’ll be curious to see how and where this new one goes, though it seems more predictable. Love triangle inside the company Alice and Roy work at etc. But I’ll be interested to see where you go with it.

    1. Hi, yeah I know I did like the original story too, the love triangle atm inside the company is just a slight undertone to what will hopefully be a nice discovery that Robert has bigger and grander plans, Alice was just a trophy for him with this experiment but as you’ll see later on when she starts digging he isn’t afraid of taking her as collateral no matter how much he wants her.

      I didn’t feel I could do the original story justice, it just seemed flat, the characters were undeveloped, especially Robert, what’s good now I feel is that Robert is actually evil now, he’s an atagonist that helps drive the story, I didn’t like Roy as a character, he accepted the world of DAWN to readily, but this mind control-esque view of the story allows it to be explained why Roy doesn’t question it, and it allows development of Alice too.

      The theme that’s coming through and that I want to get across is coping alone. People come and go from your life and if you rely on those people too much once their gone you’re kinda screwed if you can’t rely on yourself. That’s the story I want to tell because it is a story I’ve recently experience and a lesson I have learnt myself. Because of that I hope I can do this story justice. The original idea was a film, this version is a tale if that makes any sense?

      Hopefully you will like the final script when I have finished. I won’t be uploading the whole script onto my blog but I will put out a post when it’s complete asking for people to email me if they’d like a copy and I will send it to the regular commentors I know etc because eventually in a years time or whatever I Want to come back to this and work on more drafts and try and get it made eventually so I don’t think putting the whole script online is a smart idea.

      Thanks for the feedback (:

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