Looking Back, Was It All Worth It?

I’m graduating university soon. I should be sad at this, but honestly? I can’t wait.

People say University was the best time of their lives, that they’ll never forget their time at Uni. So why do I want to? Why do I want to forget it all?

For me, I see it this way. My first year at uni was awful. Filled with sadness and anger with the year ending up with me in hospital after drunkenly dropping the knife I was self harming with, into my foot.

I left my first year of uni exhausted, mentally, and I never thought I’d get myself back up again, I honestly felt broken.

Then I went to work in America for two months, and the stupid thing is, I only applied to impress a girl and by the time I went we weren’t even talking anymore. My friends pointed out she had been using me, fulfilling an emotional need, she knew how much I liked her but still didn’t stop her.

Anyway, so there I was in America which was a struggle too, but a different kind of struggle, it was a good struggle. I felt as if I had overcome something, that I’d come home a changed man. A new me, ready to take on the second year of uni and have a better time. It looked bright!

But then what happened? I got in an awful two year relationship which at the time felt good but looking back, she used me as well, played me for a fool and walked all over me. I was blinded though at the time you see. I didn’t notice, there was a girl who I loved unconditionally and I thought she felt the same. And I’m sure she did, we wouldn’t have stayed together that long if she didn’t. Up until circumstances and necessity forced us to move in together. I think we would have broken up much  sooner if we didn’t have to live under the same roof, hell in the same room with no space, no thinking space, just constantly there twenty four seven.

No matter how much you can be there for a person all that time stuck basically in the same four walls drove me mental and now I look back on those two years filled with regret. Not for the relationship exactly, but more for the fact that I hadn’t changed, I was the same old chump doing everything for a girl and neglecting the other important stuff, like my friends and even myself.

Then last summer it ended, the relationship was over and by September I was in a slightly better place (in hindsight, the day I moved back to uni I bumped into the ex – probably an omen of things to come).

And for a while, again, things were looking up. But now I’m at the end, with graduation in sight, this year has been worse than the first.

I have more scars.

My arm is a mess now and why? Because I just want to be loved, because I don’t want to constantly feel rejected and unloved and unwanted. That’s not healthy and I’m trying to work on it but at the moment that’s how I am. That’s how I’m programmed.

This is what University has taught me personally: when life gives me lemons, they hit me in the face then whilst they roll around on the floor I shout at them then blame myself.

£20,000 worth of debt for a lesson I didn’t even want to learn.

I don’t feel I’ve grown from learning it, if I had I should have learnt it in my first year surely? Not repeating the same mistakes over and over and over again. But yet, here I am, depressed and constantly miserable, trying to hide it from my friends but they’re not idiots, they know, so I do my best to avoid them and when I do go out its with alcohol and I just drink till I forget.

I just wish I’d made more of an effort here. The first year was bad because I lost someone who I genuinely thought I’d be with forever, as naive as that was, I wasn’t sure of what I wanted to do in my future and I was very homesick.

I got over the girl, I decided what I wanted to do as a career and I came to terms with being away from home. But I never learnt anything from it. And as such I didn’t make the most of academic opportunities that came my way, I had my priorities all mixed up. And unless I get out of this slump I always end up back in for good this time, my priorities are never going to change.

Enoughs enough. When I graduate and get enough money to move away I want to start again. Fresh slate. New beginnings.

Just a damn shame about the scars I’ll always wear them as a constant reminder.

/endrant

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7 thoughts on “Looking Back, Was It All Worth It?

  1. In my experience, it’s always worth it. You’re an artist, writer, world before your feet … How else do you draw from the deep if you don’t get your feet wet? I don’t want to speak out of turn, I just enjoy what you blog about and this is a very powerful and brave post you’ve written.

  2. From my experience, being easily old enough to be your mum with a clear recollection of early adulthood- you will change, your perspective will change, you’ll understand more what it is you want and where you feel comfortable. I had heartaches and loneliness in my twenties. I made a lot of mistakes. If I could change only one thing from that time in my life it would be the drinking. Drinking only intensifies vulnerability. Try to go easy on yourself. Real life is a lot better than school. I hope you will be pleasantly surprised.

  3. New beginning ! rebirth is always possible 🙂 You are at the beginning of your life…
    ““Would you like to be cured? Then I will give you the recipe. It is necessary to walk. To cross the incredible and dangerous night without seeing it to maintain its whole Magic. Close your eyes in order to be able to see nothing. (Everything is so ugly around what is not that night). Keep your arms close to your body so as not to touch anything, since the only thing touchable is from within. Then walk straight ahead, almost for eternity. Go out of the night while remaining within it: that is the secret of metamorphosis.”
    ― Marianne Van Hirtum

    Take care Sandra

  4. Hi Daniel, thanks for following my blog. I like this post. I, too, could be your mother, but at the same time college seems like only yesterday. You seem like so many people your age: at the one hand maturing tremendously, and at the same time still feeling lost. What I admire is the way you question what you have learned about yourself. That demonstrates an introspection that not everyone has, not at your age and many never get it. That right there is a guarantee that you ARE changing, maturing, getting more insight into yourself and the world around you. And yes, love will make you make the same mistakes a few times over, until you meet the right girl, and then they’re suddenly not mistakes anymore. I also remember wondering at the end of college what the big deal was, and feeling that I hadn’t learned that much on a professional level. The moment I got a job as a school librarian, and I had to get a group of middle-aged volunteer women (my age now, oh my god!) to do things in a way that actually made sense, I found out that no, not everyone knew what I did, not everyone had learned to think systematically, and yes, I had actually learned a whole lot. You’ve been around others the same age, learning about the same film and writing stuff, and having the same life experiences (more or less), and so you feel you’ve not accomplished anything special. Just wait. You’ll get a job and find that you actually know what you’re doing, you will meet people with the self-awareness of a day fly, and you will even look back at college, and even at the pain you’ve experienced in college and with girls, with a kind of fondness. That last part just takes a few decades.

  5. It is all about perspective, and though it seems a strange way of looking at it you need to learn to look at your scars with pride, they are not a symbol of weakness they are a testament to strength, that at the darkest hour you pulled through that you have fought and survived, battle scars come in many shapes and sizes some visible some not but we all bear them, they say we feel, we hurt, we cared (sometimes too much) but we learned and we endure

      1. well if you are like most people I know with that type of scarring unless you decide to show your employers they will not see them and by the time you are comfortable enough to let them show I am pretty sure you will have proved your self capable of doing the job, remember employers are human too and many will bear their own scars

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