I’m graduating university soon. I should be sad at this, but honestly? I can’t wait.
People say University was the best time of their lives, that they’ll never forget their time at Uni. So why do I want to? Why do I want to forget it all?
For me, I see it this way. My first year at uni was awful. Filled with sadness and anger with the year ending up with me in hospital after drunkenly dropping the knife I was self harming with, into my foot.
I left my first year of uni exhausted, mentally, and I never thought I’d get myself back up again, I honestly felt broken.
Then I went to work in America for two months, and the stupid thing is, I only applied to impress a girl and by the time I went we weren’t even talking anymore. My friends pointed out she had been using me, fulfilling an emotional need, she knew how much I liked her but still didn’t stop her.
Anyway, so there I was in America which was a struggle too, but a different kind of struggle, it was a good struggle. I felt as if I had overcome something, that I’d come home a changed man. A new me, ready to take on the second year of uni and have a better time. It looked bright!
But then what happened? I got in an awful two year relationship which at the time felt good but looking back, she used me as well, played me for a fool and walked all over me. I was blinded though at the time you see. I didn’t notice, there was a girl who I loved unconditionally and I thought she felt the same. And I’m sure she did, we wouldn’t have stayed together that long if she didn’t. Up until circumstances and necessity forced us to move in together. I think we would have broken up much sooner if we didn’t have to live under the same roof, hell in the same room with no space, no thinking space, just constantly there twenty four seven.
No matter how much you can be there for a person all that time stuck basically in the same four walls drove me mental and now I look back on those two years filled with regret. Not for the relationship exactly, but more for the fact that I hadn’t changed, I was the same old chump doing everything for a girl and neglecting the other important stuff, like my friends and even myself.
Then last summer it ended, the relationship was over and by September I was in a slightly better place (in hindsight, the day I moved back to uni I bumped into the ex – probably an omen of things to come).
And for a while, again, things were looking up. But now I’m at the end, with graduation in sight, this year has been worse than the first.
I have more scars.
My arm is a mess now and why? Because I just want to be loved, because I don’t want to constantly feel rejected and unloved and unwanted. That’s not healthy and I’m trying to work on it but at the moment that’s how I am. That’s how I’m programmed.
This is what University has taught me personally: when life gives me lemons, they hit me in the face then whilst they roll around on the floor I shout at them then blame myself.
£20,000 worth of debt for a lesson I didn’t even want to learn.
I don’t feel I’ve grown from learning it, if I had I should have learnt it in my first year surely? Not repeating the same mistakes over and over and over again. But yet, here I am, depressed and constantly miserable, trying to hide it from my friends but they’re not idiots, they know, so I do my best to avoid them and when I do go out its with alcohol and I just drink till I forget.
I just wish I’d made more of an effort here. The first year was bad because I lost someone who I genuinely thought I’d be with forever, as naive as that was, I wasn’t sure of what I wanted to do in my future and I was very homesick.
I got over the girl, I decided what I wanted to do as a career and I came to terms with being away from home. But I never learnt anything from it. And as such I didn’t make the most of academic opportunities that came my way, I had my priorities all mixed up. And unless I get out of this slump I always end up back in for good this time, my priorities are never going to change.
Enoughs enough. When I graduate and get enough money to move away I want to start again. Fresh slate. New beginnings.
Just a damn shame about the scars I’ll always wear them as a constant reminder.