Dawn Draft Notes – Full

Based on feedback from the first draft of DAWN it seems I have my work cut out for me, but I love a challenge and I have till May so I’m not in a situation yet and I will be working on it this coming week. I will post up the first 10 pages tomorrow of the new opening as I have to take them in to uni tomorrow so I may as well rewrite the beginning before I read it in class.

Here are the complete list of changes that you can see coming to the second draft:

Continuity Notes:  

  • Make a note about Roy having heard about Dawn on the TV.
  • Make a reference that Roy plays video games at the beginning – a shot or two of him playing a games console.
  • Speech (maybe advertising campaign) about the future of the company and that in a couple of years people will be able to spend money to upload themselves to DAWN forsaking their real world in favour of anything they wish.
  • Maybe a flashback of Robert recruiting Alice to the DAWN team.
  • Maybe Charlie was programmed to become Roy’s friend.
  • Develop Roy’s and Charlie’s friendship a little more – they seem too friendly too quickly.
  • Charlie could start to “glitch” at some point leading to his death and deletion from the system.
  • Expand on this scene:

MONTAGE OF ROY AND LUCY GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

Various dates, them hanging out and doing things together. Eventually leading them to be led in each other’s arms inside a VR Program that is a Space flight. ROY explains that he is worried about falling for her cause then when he is brought out of this world he will lose her again.

  • After the apartment is trashed, the next morning it is clean again – This was Alice’s doing.
  • The explanation for the sudden change in plans to pull Roy out is due to the revelation that Lucy is in fact Alice.
  • Make Alice use the word “progs” early on.
  • Make DAWN Labs, Inc. seem more shady.
  • Alice finds out that there was a glitch hardcoded into the system which makes her realise Robert has been very unethical.

Draft 2 Changes

  • Robert needs to get what he deserves.
  • Have a look at dialogue – reveal more about each character earlier (Don’t be too expositional).
  • Get rid of the Anna through line – The thing haunting him in DAWN is something else – Just a glitch perhaps, that has been purposefully abused.
  • Make Robert more three dimensional “Used to save hungry kids” was the suggestion I had as an example.
  • Rethink the opening – What is actually necessary?
  • Open with Roy coming home with his desk packed. Continue with the ring on note scene then CUT TO: Roy at bridge, note in his hand and as he falls in slow mo the note blows of and a V.O. reveals what was written on it.
  • Remove the pub/Susan scene.
  • Remove the motorway passerby.
  • Remove the brain in the jar – too cliché.
  • Allow Roy to meet Lucy before the first big encounter with the dark figure.
  • Rethink – DAWN’s history, bought from an ex-korean test reimagined as a medical device. (Thanks AP!)
  • Change the reveal of Lucy being real. Let Roy figure it out on himself after she has been removed by The Wall.
  • Give Lucy/Alice a feature that is recognisable as hers so the audience and Roy know that Lucy is Alice etc.

Want to get up to date with DAWN my first feature film? Click here to view all related posts. Hope you’re all well!

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