Based on feedback from the first draft of DAWN it seems I have my work cut out for me, but I love a challenge and I have till May so I’m not in a situation yet and I will be working on it this coming week. I will post up the first 10 pages tomorrow of the new opening as I have to take them in to uni tomorrow so I may as well rewrite the beginning before I read it in class.
Here are the complete list of changes that you can see coming to the second draft:
- Make a note about Roy having heard about Dawn on the TV.
- Make a reference that Roy plays video games at the beginning – a shot or two of him playing a games console.
- Speech (maybe advertising campaign) about the future of the company and that in a couple of years people will be able to spend money to upload themselves to DAWN forsaking their real world in favour of anything they wish.
- Maybe a flashback of Robert recruiting Alice to the DAWN team.
- Maybe Charlie was programmed to become Roy’s friend.
- Develop Roy’s and Charlie’s friendship a little more – they seem too friendly too quickly.
- Charlie could start to “glitch” at some point leading to his death and deletion from the system.
- Expand on this scene:
MONTAGE OF ROY AND LUCY GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER.
Various dates, them hanging out and doing things together. Eventually leading them to be led in each other’s arms inside a VR Program that is a Space flight. ROY explains that he is worried about falling for her cause then when he is brought out of this world he will lose her again.
- After the apartment is trashed, the next morning it is clean again – This was Alice’s doing.
- The explanation for the sudden change in plans to pull Roy out is due to the revelation that Lucy is in fact Alice.
- Make Alice use the word “progs” early on.
- Make DAWN Labs, Inc. seem more shady.
- Alice finds out that there was a glitch hardcoded into the system which makes her realise Robert has been very unethical.
Draft 2 Changes
- Robert needs to get what he deserves.
- Have a look at dialogue – reveal more about each character earlier (Don’t be too expositional).
- Get rid of the Anna through line – The thing haunting him in DAWN is something else – Just a glitch perhaps, that has been purposefully abused.
- Make Robert more three dimensional “Used to save hungry kids” was the suggestion I had as an example.
- Rethink the opening – What is actually necessary?
- Open with Roy coming home with his desk packed. Continue with the ring on note scene then CUT TO: Roy at bridge, note in his hand and as he falls in slow mo the note blows of and a V.O. reveals what was written on it.
- Remove the pub/Susan scene.
- Remove the motorway passerby.
- Remove the brain in the jar – too cliché.
- Allow Roy to meet Lucy before the first big encounter with the dark figure.
- Rethink – DAWN’s history, bought from an ex-korean test reimagined as a medical device. (Thanks AP!)
- Change the reveal of Lucy being real. Let Roy figure it out on himself after she has been removed by The Wall.
- Give Lucy/Alice a feature that is recognisable as hers so the audience and Roy know that Lucy is Alice etc.
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