First Draft of DAWN Complete!

It’s done! The first draft of my feature film with the new working title Dawn: An Awakening.

It comes in at just over 57 pages. The minimum amount is 90 so I have 33 pages to work with whilst adding some back story and subplots which I have spoken about in previous posts. As I went along and finished up this first draft I kept a log of changes I want to make, just little things I won’t to go back and add etc to help with continuity and maybe add a bit more drama.

Both the script and the changes are at the bottom. Feel free to have a read, I can’t wait to hear everyone’s feedback on this one.

Also, as a little incentive, the first 10 people to reblog this can have a character named after them if you so desire. I have a character just called PROGRAMMER at the moment. He featured in the script more than I thought so I think he deserves a name (or she) and with the new scenes I am sure there will be other characters created.

Without further ado, here is the script and the changes.

DAWN – An Awakening (DRAFT 1)

Dawn – DRAFT 2 Changes

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9 thoughts on “First Draft of DAWN Complete!

  1. I like what I’m seeing in the 2nd draft changes. These are excellent ideas and give the audience more to see and help understand the overall storyline. Leaves less questions, good job!

  2. Shared this on FB, hope you don’t mind. This is an excellent display of what goes on in making a screenplay script. I’ve been learning a lot from your experience.

  3. I really liked it although I felt the ending was a bit of a let-down…I wanted nasty Dr Robert to get what’s coming to him and felt – as you have rightly noted in your 2nd draft ideas – the whole organisation of DAWN needs to be fleshed out more.

    Proofreading is also required, there are lots of word omissions. Dialogue needs to be sharper, snappier and reveal more about each character at the start when we meet them…some of it is a little too long winded and needs editing.

    I rather like the idea of Charlie falling prey to the AI/prog changes, as you’ve outlined in your changes. This would make for a good sub-plot…there really being a glitch in the program, perhaps the AI’s learn how to infiltrate Roy’s mind as a result…their artificial intelligence taking over the patient’s brain or something of that sort (a glitch brilliant Alice/Lucy fixes and then realises for the first time during the process Dr Robert L. is unethical and later, because of his treatment of Roy, she knows for certain Robert is a rotter). It’s a little too “in your face” at the moment and will work better, if there’s a build up to the reveal of DAWN being a wholly unethical clinic. This would also give you more conflict and drama, adding to the tension and the audience wondering what kind of sinister world this is.

    At present I feel Robert is too 2-dimensional; perhaps you could give him some redeeming feature…he used to save hungry kids in developing countries but got disillisuioned…that sort of thing.

    You’ve got an excellent story here, just needs fleshing out a little more. Well done and I can’t wait to read the next draft.

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