Time for another post about how lazy I am. Well, not lazy but unmotivated but I guess it can be seen as one and the same.
This past semester at University has been a very weird one for me and I have come out of the end of it exhausted, both physically and emotionally. It’s been filled with lots of work for University which I kept leaving to the last minute because I was down through the rest of the week all I wanted to do was sit and do nothing every night then it got to the night before my lesson and I was up late doing the reading for it then spending the next day not really paying attention in class anyway because of how tired I was.
Aside from work it has been filled with both love and hate, but in the face of both you seem to remember the hatred and sadness the most as that’s the one that hurts the most. Fallen out of friendships then back in to them, falling into love and then straight back out of it. It’s left me in a strange situation where whilst I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, I’m certainly not the happiest I have ever been (the happiest I probably have ever been is in 2010 when I was sat in Times Square on my own soaking everything in, feeling proud of myself that I’d just survived trying times working at a Summer Camp 3000 miles away from home for two months – oh and the time my dad got me a bike for Christmas when I was a kid and I took it out and fell off it on some ice, but that just made me laugh).
And the thing is, when feeling like this writing is usually the thing I will go to to help cheer me up but even this post is taking all my effort to concentrate on and write out. I honestly am beginning to hate getting out of bed in a morning, I’d much rather just be sat there like a vegetable playing video games or watching a whole series of TV. But knowing that isn’t a productive use of my time, I get myself out of bed and sit on Facebook for hours instead thinking about how I will do some work in a minute, then it gets to like 5pm I have my dinner and think “screw it, I’ll play a game after all cause I’m clearly not getting any work done”.
And to top off all of the above I have been so poor this semester, through my own fault as I haven’t budgeted and I have just got drunk a lot (because of the point I mention below – getting a big group of friends). But hey, that’s what University students do right? I’ve learnt my lesson now I hope as this has been a very trying time, one in which I have had to sell my entire DVD collection, my Nexus 7 tablet, and also grab money off my dad (something I am very grateful for and I can not thank him enough, I don’t know what I would have done without him). But yeah, I get two more student loans between now and graduation so as long as I’m not an idiot with it I should be okay. I mean, I’ve decided to not drink anymore as because of all the stuff that’s gone on when I get drunk I seem to have got VERY drunk and made some stupid mistakes which hasn’t been like me at all, so till I get that figured out I guess it’s time to lay off the sauce.
I mean, don’t get me wrong this semester has been one of the best too for different reasons to the ones I’m complaining about, I have made an amazing group of friends by joining the Universities Film Society, and I am very glad of that, spending time with them cheers me up immensely and I’m always going to remember them .
But as I said, when faced with the good and the bad it’s the bad that stands out because the bad is the thing that hurts.
It’s painful and at times crippling but I’ve been through worse and I know at some point in my future I will again be happy but I can be very impatient sometimes. What’s hard about this is not having someone to talk to about it, I mean I have a great group of friends, and I have my best friend, who I couldn’t cope without, and my dad etc, but that’s not the same as having a partner who you can open up to and be your true self. You can break down and cry on their shoulder and they will give you a hug, say something stupid to cheer you up and then sit with you till you’re smiling again and then at the end of that with dry eyes you can look at them and say thank you so much for everything, I want you to know I love you and I am so grateful to have you.
I’m just glad this has come at the end of the year and I can start to move on and just get over it. It’s the end of the year and celebrating the New Year is not something I have ever done (why make a new years resolution when you just know you’re going to break it probably within a week), but I am going to try my best to make 2013 a better year.
As I said this is the year I graduate and go out into the big wide world, time to buck up my game, try my best to get my overdraft and credit card paid off so I don’t have to worry as much and then I can try and get a career for myself going. Oh and hopefully I can become motivated to get my work (university and extra-curricular) done on time and actually find the enjoyment I used to find in it.
Sorry for such a miserable post but I feel this actually helped a little to write out and get it laid out in words like that – very therapeutic. If you have got this far then well done have a gold star. Jokes aside thanks for reading this I hope it didn’t bum you out too much!