A New Drafting Technique & DAWN – Feedback

As you may well be aware I am currently working on my first feature film called “DAWN”. This blog has pretty much been dedicated to it recently and I don’t see that changing until I break up from University at Christmas when I can have a break from thinking about it.

But it’s got to be said, I am really enjoying the experience. The feedback I am getting from people and you lot is fantastic! It’s all well and good showing it my friends but they’re always nice, “Oh that’s amazing” “Well done” which don’t get me wrong is nice to hear but at the same time it’s not constructive. And as a writer what you need is constructive feedback and that is what you, my readers, provide me and for that I am very thankful and I love each one of you.

The feedback I have got I have decided to collate by draft into a separate document which I will be able to hand in as extra evidence for my assignment and will hopefully net me more marks for this module I am currently doing. (This module is planning it with the final hand in being a full scene by scene breakdown of the script and the post-christmas module is the actual writing of the full script)

But something else that has come out of this that I have never done is a change-log. You will have come across change-logs possibly if you pay attention when you install updates for programs on your computer etc, but for those who don’t know, a change log is as it says on the tin. It is a log of all the changed a computer program goes through when it is updated, listing any new features and fixes of things that were going wrong with the previous version of the program. These are also called patch notes.

And I have decided to keep a change log with DAWN’s drafting process. Whilst this may not be new to a lot of people it is something I haven’t actually done before and I was inspired to do based on the fact that DAWN itself is a computer program so it is fitting with the film too coincidentally!

Every time I do a major redraft I am now going to bullet point all the main things I changed, this helps keep a document going for not only further evidence to my tutor that I have been thinking and working on DAWN a lot but also for my own personal records because I think it will be rewarding to get to the end of this long process and look back on how much the film had changed from the core concept (which included cyber-killer and cyber-addiction).

If this is something you haven’t done before I would advise it for the benefits I have mentioned above, knowing my luck every already does this and I’m new to the party but as they say, better late than never right. Amiright?

Below is the collated feedback for DAWN and hopefully this Sunday I will manage to redraft the synopsis, unfortunately the next draft may have to be the final draft for the moment as I need to start writing the Scene by Scene soon. But I feel the next redraft will be fine plot wise, it is then just adding the little bits in and changing minor things, all of which will be very easy to implement into the Scene by Scene, so I will continue to upload the changed documents for more and more feedback.

Thanks again for all your help, I know I say it at the end of every post now but I really mean it, the feedback and support helps me keep going!


  • Bring DAWN in earlier – Two suicides is one too many. Just have the one. Also an overdose is considered a “female’s” suicide.
  • More focused on the emotion than the gadgetry/tech side of this virtual world is a good thing.


  • Love story more than action/adventure.


  • Sub-plot with Lucy maybe being real in the real world sounds a good idea. (See “Characters” section)
  • By taking out the first suicide and having Roy come into DAWN sooner this allows for more time to watch Roy on his journey through the world.
  • Instead of him attempting suicide again at the end, he actually does come out a changed person, with him discovering Lucy in the real world.
  • As Lucy is about to be consumed by the Black Wall she tells him she is real (up to this point she has told him she is an AI so the programmers at DAWN don’t discover her.
  • My main concern was a lack of conflict once inside DAWN – it appears some people agree. One suggestion was to have Roy’s darkness manifest itself inside the world of DAWN. Even though this is a virtual world it still provides a framework for Roy’s mind and his thoughts and feelings can manifest themselves. No-one else can see this as they are they are internal but they can be visualised on screen for the audience.


  • Roy – Well received, he is liked due to him not being a typical macho man “everything is okay” hero. He is almost the damsel in distress with Lucy rescuing him.
  • Lucy – Consider her role inside of DAWN and outside. What if Lucy was also a programmer at DAWN, someone unsatisfied with real life and loses herself in the virtual world? Just as Roy could be an idealised version of himself in DAWN, Lucy in DAWN could be beautiful, outgoing whereas the real Lucy is shy, an whilst not unattractive just plain. The love story is her escape as much as it is Roy’s salvation.

Similarities to Look Out For:

  • Life on Mars
  • Castaway on the Moon (Korean film with similar theme)




7 thoughts on “A New Drafting Technique & DAWN – Feedback

  1. Great changes. I was a little put off by 2 suicide attempts. The fact that Lucy is real as well is a big plus and the idea of a programmer at DAWN getting lost in it because of unhappiness really works for me. Keep this up. Some of those other ideas you had earlier might work for a second piece about DAWN if you feel like continuing the story line in a sequel.

      1. From the synopsis I think that is your theme. You have a lot to go on and work with, following with interest. 🙂 so don’t be sad.

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