DAWN: An Update

First of all I would just like to say thank you to all of you who gave me feedback on my logline and the synopsis etc. I took the feedback and made the changes that I felt were necessary and then submitted it to my University tutor to get his feedback. And his verdict was pretty much this:

“Change everything about the story”.

Now, I’m all for making changes based on what people suggest and especially what the tutor thinks best but in this case I have had to disregard everything he said to me regarding my work. He wanted to me to get rid of the cyber-world idea, get rid of the cyber-killer (or any killer at all for that matter), get rid of the brother, and just have it based on an addiction that his tearing his wife and daughter away from the main character, Roy.

I left the tutorial disheartened at first but then it dawned on me…I think he’s wrong. When he told me to have this drama focused on this little family, I told him I thought that was very cliche, it was over done and I think for a 90-120 minute script it would be incredibly, incredibly, incredibly, boring. His response was “but you can do things with it that makes it not cliche” and that may be the case but at the end of the day it’s not a story I want to tell, like, at all.

The one piece of advice he did give me that I may take on board is losing the brother, let the cyber-killer come after Roy instead, as this then affects him personally it is a direct threat on himself. But only concern with this is Roy’s brother was the reason Roy had to go back in this virtual world, because his brother is permanently plugged into it whereas Roy isn’t, he’s just addicted to it. Fighting off this addiction and then having to resubmerge himself back into this cybernetic experience to save his brother gave him a goal, a reason and obstacles and hurdles so I am undecided what to do about this at this point. (Any advice you guys?)

Again, thanks for all the feedback you gave me and I hope you like what I put out next and will follow the development of this script!

– Daniel

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10 thoughts on “DAWN: An Update

  1. What if Roy *doesn’t* go back to the cyber world; the cyber-killer brings the danger to him by leaving that world and coming after Roy’s daughter? Nothing creates motive like a child being endangered. (Yes, I’m heartless.) This would create the intimacy your tutor is looking for without sacrificing the suspense you want. You can have both worlds.

    Also, what if this killer is a soldier from the enemy state? What if he and Roy know about each other from facing off on the virtual (and real?) battlefield? Or could this be someone who’s part of the government training program who needs to stop Roy from leaving the system? Could Roy be a high-level operative? (Check out Cape Fear and/or The Bourne Identity.)

    1. I really like this idea, although it would mean leaving the virtual world behind, which kind of makes it redundant but I do like the idea of the killer coming after Roy in the real world, cause Roy could slight him in the VR. Thanks for the idea I’ll ponder over this 😛

  2. A quote by Raymond Chandler, author of the Phil Marlowe classic detective series (from his notebooks I believe) – “Don’t ever write anything you don’t like yourself, and if you do like it, don’t take anyone else’s advice about changing it. They just don’t know.”

  3. Ultimately, write the story YOU want to read. I guess it’s tricky doing a screenplay – to get made into a movie, it has to find appeal with a broader audience. Or you could write it as a novel and self-pub! If you write what you love, there will be someone else out there who will love it, too.
    It sounds to me as though you’d have a lot more fun writing your version! Although, Monica migh tjust have a few good suggestions, too!

  4. I agree with the others here. To write anything well you have to believe in that story. There will be a million and one opinions on the actual story content, As we are all unique. But the story is yours. Only you know the characters and how they think and will react. So no one else can advise you on your story. Structure is a totally different animal. As is formatting. 🙂

    1. Glad I’m not on my own in this, and hopefully my tutor will see it that way haha! But yeah structure and formatting I will totally take his advice but i’m not willing to write a script that I don’t care about (:

  5. Point one: I really liked your synopsis as I read it. It got me interested on what’s to come. Point two: now I realize I read it as a story and not as a script because I have no idea how a script should look like. Maybe your tutor saw there were too many sides on that story to develop in a script. On the other hand, maybe your tutor is not into science fiction at all and cannot get interested in your plot no matter how good it is. Have you asked him why he doesn’t want you to write about the virtual world? I’d agree with the others and tell you to go ahead and write what you want; however, I understand you’ll be graded for it and a lot lies on grades, doesn’t it? I’d just advice you to pray for taking the right choice, but I suspect you’d get mad at me 😉 so… just meditate… ha!

    On the matter of taking the brother out of the story what if this soldier, who innerly grieves the loss of contact with his daughter has created a bond with a character into the virtual world. It can be an interactive game where each character represents a real person. Then he sees or meets by chance the real child in the real world and notices the real peril which comes from the virtual world. Then maybe you can develop the link.

    Point three: Just tell me right away if I’m trespassing. Good luck!! I and 999 others are sure you’ll do fine at the end. You already have a willing audience.

    1. ….point two is amazing! You may have single handedly shaped this script 😛 I’m not show how to implement it though now. If he meets this person in the virtual world and then in real life and it’s a child that’s a little creepy? So the other option is maybe he isn’t an adult soldier, he’s a teenager and the death of his sister sends him to seek solace in this virtual world where he meets a girl maybe and in real life, but I dunno how the cyber killer could fit into that hmmm :/ you’ve given me the seed of an idea I just need to figure out whether to stick with soldier or move it to a teenager now haha? I think I’ll write up a post about this when I finish replying to the backlog of comments I’ve built up 😦

      Full credit will be given in the post haha!

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