Hey everyone, the completed short story from which I posted an excerpt the other day has no had a comb through and I would like to present to you Draft 1. I would love for any feedback you can give this. The ending is a bit of a cliff hanger which is what I intended, as once I have done a few more drafts of this, I am going to move on to the next tale in this world I am looking to create.
The PDF is below and I thank you all in advance.
danposwriting.wordpress.com 
Still needs quite a lot of proof reading. Everytime you mean ” left” you write “led”…and the dialogue at the beginning has a number of mistakes/word omissions, too.
Dialogue should not describe the mundane, it puts the reader off and wastes valuable space in a short story. Every sentence should tell us something about the person speaking or the person spoken to and also drive the plot forward. Why not let Julia and Alan make comments about “did you feel the ground shaking this morning” or “did you notice, the birds have stopped singing” or there could be dogs in the street behaving strangely and the two women comment on it. That way you tease the reader with some type of thing to happen, the feeling of doom. Instead of losing the taxi driver’s head, you could make it Alan’s? We’d care more about him then a stranger you’ve only just introduced. Unless you’ve got plans for Ella and Alan.
Apart from the dialogue, I found the story really intriguing but it would be good to have a better description of the Fated and their intentions. Why are the forced to come through the portals. Why are they running (from what enemy are they fleeing)?
Hi thanks for the comment, this is the reason why I put drafts up here for the feedback (:
About the beginning, I probably do need to go back through it, I changed it in the redraft. Originally Ella has moved to this new country from another, so I guess the redraft needs a redraft there.
And thanks for point out the left/led thing, I guess when you stare at work for so long you fail to see stuff like this, especially if it doesn’t have a red or green line underneath it aha.
I don’t have any plans for Alan and Ella, he was just someone to help get us to know Ella a little bit, I think it would be weird if Alan just happened to be there after he had got in his car earlier and would be somewhere else by now.
I wanted the feeling to be sudden, they’re just suddenly there, disrupting the mundane, the things about dogs acting strangely could work possibly, but again I want it to be sudden.
I see what you’re saying about having an explanation for why the Fated are running, I believe this is mentioned in the short story on which this is based. I don’t where I would be able to insert the information into this story but I agree it needs something to help place them, as each story should stand alone and not rely too heavily on other work.
Thanks again for the comment.
I’d put the explanation at the end, when Ella reveals she’s lived through the worst, she might have found out more about the Fated by then, overheard a conversation perhaps. Proofreading is always a pain, we are just too close to our work:)
It’s a good story, and all these notes and things are what the revision process is all about. One way to get to the meat, especially of a short story, is to cut at least 10% of your words. 3000 word story, 300 words. You get rid of a lot of the chaff that way.
Keep up the good work.
Thanks for the advice (: That’s a good idea to shave off around 10% I will definitely consider it in the future!
I’d almost like more description of this city before the sand storm. When Ella is stranding, waiting for the white man so she can cross the road, maybe you could insert some descripitions? That would help to visualise the entire thing. I liked the ‘Enough!’ bit. Also, I’m not sure if a girl would want to go home and ‘play video games and drink beer’. 🙂 Good start, though!
Thanks for the advice (: I will definitely describe the city a little more (: And why wouldn’t a girl want to do that :P? Most of the girls I know would (okay maybe not beer).
I don’t know… if I was Ella, I’d just want to get home and have a shower, or relax in front of the TV, or have a cold drink… I’m just picking holes now, sorry 🙂
Daniel, this piece is written on high-octane creative gas, it’s exciting, you’re excited by it (it shows). I think this method is generally the best way to get ideas out, however, I favour the ‘leave-it-in-a-cupboard’ for a week approach to get an objective view of what one has written. I think with the previous comments and a week’s grace you should be able to knock the story into a greater shape.
Keep up the enthusiasm and hard work.
Thanks for your advice (: I agree, leaving it in a drawer is a good place to start, which is what I do in a sense, I will upload it to here, get some feedback and think on it myself and then go back to it and work through again before uploading the new draft and starting the process again (: