Rough Excerpt

Here is a rough excerpt from the story I am working on at the moment. It is a three thousand word short story. I have just finished my first draft and will be reworking it soon!

I ran too it and began to dig, putting to use all of the speed I had recently been given, the deeper I got the redder the sand got, until it was pure crimson. By then I knew it was too late, but I couldn’t leave her there like that. I dug down and finally uncovered her. I pulled her mangled corpse up out of the sand, bent my knees and jumped with all my power, soaring into the air. I came crashing down onto the top of the Weisman building, one of the tallest skyscrapers in the city. In the distance I saw the skeletons of the other skyscrapers, just rotten husks collapsing in on themselves, crashing into the streets below.
I looked around trying to find somewhere to lay Julia’s body to rest, but everything was covered in sand and everything was collapsing. I decided to get out of the city and into the country side, it was the safest option. I leaped off the Weisman building onto the street below and sprinted fast, within minutes I was out of the city and half an hour later I was on the flat expanse of the plains. The once luscious green fields were now deserts.
I spotted a tree in the distance, then I was there. It was an apple treed, the highest branches poking out of the sand. Portals where in every direction but any Fated that had come through where nowhere to be seen. I put Julia’s body down, up against the trunk and arranged her limbs to make her look as at peace as I could. I was exhausted after all the sprinting and jumping. It made me realise that this power wasn’t an infinite well that I could tap into as I pleased. I was going to have to pace myself, using it only when necessary in this new harsh world I was now in.
I took an apple from a branch, brushed off the sand and started to eat, five minutes later the cores of seven apples were led around me. The sand was starting to pile up now, I was being buried alive, it will only be a few minutes till Julia is buried again in the sand, although this time somewhere a little nicer, and not in her recently rusted coffee stand.

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9 thoughts on “Rough Excerpt

  1. there’s a lot going on here. new powers need explanation. the building sand needs explanation. most things are destroyed, but you found an apple tree, that needs explanation. looking forward to the rest.

    1. Hi Rich thanks for the comment (: This a rough excerpt of a long story, so hopefully your questions will be explained in the longer piece, this selection is just based upon the action in the scene, but I should have a polished draft up later for feedback (: In answer to your question though about the tree, it explains in the story that the sand is actually a weapon used by this other race that destroys anything that isn’t organic (I may change this though), so that’s why the apple tree is still standing (:

      1. oh i wasn’t looking for the answers now. it wouldn’t be good to have the answers now. it’s good to set up the questions now so the reader knows that there’s something going on, something to look forward to learning about.

  2. I agree with Rich. I would also love to see more of your main characters emotive state if he hasn’t been able to save the girl, how dear was she to him? The best thing about first person you can delve deeply into the character’s mindset. Expand on that, evolve around that and you will have a story will not only real the reader in but make them care.

  3. Your opening sentence misuses the word too. “I ran too it and began to dig.” Probably just a typo, but it should be “I ran to it and began to dig.”

  4. …on the same note…it was an apple treed…please correct:) I like the mystery of the sand and to corrosion of the coffee stand. Good stuff. Also, have you noticed how the avatar used by E J Mclaughlin somehow fits into your story?

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