30 Minute Script – Draft 3

So as you may know I have been working on a 30 minute script for University.

I completed the story but didn’t reach the page count so my tutor advised to me add some scenes at the beginning, that while they don’t add anything to the story they won’t lose me any marks when it comes to page count.

I have now added them in and have given the full script a going over. It is now at 25 pages which is enough and I am quite proud of it.

I am considering turning into a fantasy/sci-fi feature length, with the first scene’s already figured out that will occur prior to the scenes in this script.

Feel free to read the script below, I am open to any constructive criticism you may have.

Escape – DRAFT 3 PDF – 33Kb

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9 thoughts on “30 Minute Script – Draft 3

  1. i have trouble reading things in script form, but i’m going to give it a shot because i know that genuine feedback is important.

  2. some of my questions might not matter, based on what you’re going for, so you might just ignore them.

    1. isaac shoots the courier because he saw benji tied up. wasn’t that sloppy of isaac to leave benji there? thus having to kill someone and have another body around?
    2. was the purpose of the courier only to get us to where benji was held? was there any other purpose? the reason i ask is because of the delivery. who was the parcel for? that bring another question.
    3. they were in benji’s flat. if so, then that package was for benji, in which case isaac would have opened it to see if sarah was sending him something. but the way isaac recieved the package makes it seem like he knew what it was. so i was confused about that.
    4. sarah is smart obviously. she would have done more to check on that van outside of benji’s place. when she picked up the phone and called her father, i thought she was going to call the number on the van to see if it checked out. perhaps she could do that, and then inside the van is a worker from the company, dead or tied up, and isaac answers the phone, making it seem like it checks out. if you’re worried about that giving away the idea that it’s isaac and jason, that’s not a worry. it’s obvious that someone is watching in the van. that won’t fool anyone.
    5. i was confused at the end. was there a time shift? we have jason helping benji escape from isaac, and we don’t know if they succeed. but then benji is home watching tv and sarah comes in, then isaac and jason burst in. i don’t follow that.

    1. Hi thanks for getting back to me, you’ve raised some good points actually and I’ll try my best to answer them below.

      1) Isaac shooting Benji was originally written in to set the tone of the movie, and shock the audience which is why it happens in the first five minutes. The package was originally a central part to the story but I changed it so the package and courier no longer matter so much other than to set the tone.

      At this point Isaac isn’t bothered by the body count, and even uses the body to try to make Benji talk; “We could set this up to look like you…” he says something along those lines.

      2) I answered this above really but yeah that was the couriers only purpose. In the actual script I won’t be including the scene with the package going from the warehouse. I was advised to use those few scene’s as page filler to help the page count by my tutor so it matches the brief which requires a minimum of 25 pages. The actual story would start with the courier first at Ms. Dawson’s house and then going to Benji’s.

      3) I like the idea of him checking it, originally he disregards it because it was broken, but I guess that isn’t necessary now. I may write in that Isaac checks it, but it isn’t anything important.

      4) I wrote the van in this last draft and guess I hadn’t set it up very well. Thanks for pointing it out, and I think ringing the number on the van would be good, as you say Sarah is smart and would be a good way of showing that she is resourceful. When they check the van at the end and they find weapons (a scene I wrote in for filler but I actually like now) then yeah, they could find the body of an employee. By this point in the film though Sarah has her goal in sight, ie, Benji so I’m unsure whether she WOULD check the van out? It’s day time, it’s a builders van, she just wants to make sure Benji is okay. I’ll have a think about this.

      5) There seems to be a bit of confusion about this. Yeah, there is a time jump. As the audience watches I want them to think that Sarah is rushing to Benji’s flat and that she will get captured, but her scenes are actually in the past. I have written in the scene headers that this is in the past; “EXT. SERVICE STATION – CAR PARK. DAY. PAST.” I’m not sure how else to write this in, unless I include a bit of a set up in the scene directions.

      I think it would work better if you saw it how it was instead of reading it. I imagine her entering Benji’s flat upon hearing fighting (which is coming from the TV) and seeing Benji sat there fine and uninjured. We then see her go into the study and into the secret room, the panel closing just as Isaac opens the study door, in the PAST. Then, in the PRESENT, Isaac actually opens the door and Jason and Benji are in the study, Sarah comes out of the panel and helps Benji survive Isaac’s attack.

      I like the idea of disjointed narrative and this is my first script where there is disjointed narrative so it is still new to me, but I will speak to my tutor about this and see if he can recommend a professional way of laying it out.

      Thanks for your feedback and I hope my answers aren’t TOO confusing. This has helped me out quite a lot.

      – Daniel

      1. oh, i think you have a good chance to use that package for a tie in. here’s what you need to do – in my opinion. make that package something that sarah was sending to benji. a weapon. when isaac gets it, he tosses it on the floor, off in a corner. unnoticed. later, when there’s a fight or shoot out with all of them, sarah can be hiding for cover behind a sofa or something, and there’s that package on the floor. she knows what’s in it, and she opens it and uses that as a weapon. maybe a grenade. and this shows how smart she is – that she knew this would eventually happen, and she dropped off the package to be sent at a certain time.

        and then, since you’re playing with time shifts, you can end it like this – she pulls up and sees that van. she goes to a postal place, puts the grenade in the package, tells the delivery person to deliver it immediately. then she goes back to benji’s flat after it’s been delivered and tossed in the corner somewhere. maybe she even puts the grenade in a box from like a cutsie kind of store so she knows they won’t care. now she’s got a bomb hidden in there that she knows she can find and use if need be.

        and maybe that won’t work but i’d rather give a bad suggestion than none.

      2. Thanks again for your advice Rich, I have decided to change Sarah’s scenes. She is no longer in the past but in the present, everything is in real time now, with Sarah reaching the apartment and showing tactical knowledge as she goes inside and sweeps the apartment, rescuing Benji, the beginning will stay the same but the ending will need a bit of a drastic rewrite, but I think it can be done well.

        For more information and explanations see the comments on this post: http://wordsformwindows.com/2012/04/06/escape-script-feedback/

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