Rise Proposal – Feedback?

Hey, so since posting about a proposal the other day I have done a second draft, it’s a lot better than the last one so I want to upload it to get a bit of feedback off a wider audience, I have to present it at University on Monday and any constructive feedback would be appreciated.

P.S. I know I’ve put a (C) symbol and it’s unprofessional, but I figured considering I’m uploading it online it’s better being safe than sorry aha.

Rise Proposal DRAFT 2

 

 

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10 thoughts on “Rise Proposal – Feedback?

  1. It’s way too much like ‘walking dead’ you need to introduce another factor which that doesn’t share. In essence the situation with the sun storm does do that but it’s an unbeatable factor with inevitable conclusions. Whilst there is nothing wrong with placing your characters in that situation it doesn’t present an audience with anything much to guess at. You need a ‘hook’ something that needs to be figured out/cured/repaired. Can I suggest as an exercise picturing the first scene – the final scene and then working out the middle in a way that keeps the audience guessing more becauase it stands its just a tad too predictable.

    1. Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it. I have changed the middle now, making the bit on the highway less Zombiesque, I’ve only seen the first Ep of Walking Dead so I wasn’t sure if it was like that.

      I have changed it so Sarah becomes more emotionally unstable instead of just wimpering through her ordeal.

      This is it so far, still tidying it up now I’ve changed bits:

      “The story opens with the group breaking into a shack in the middle of a charred field. The group are stopping off for the day. David, Sarah’s husband, elects to check the perimeter is safe. Leroy tries his police radio, there is too much static. David is out checking, a scarred Marauder grabs David silently and throws him in a pit that is covered in aluminium sheets, then runs off. When he doesn’t return the others search for him. They hear him shouting, not far away from the shack. They find him and have no way of getting him out. An alarm on Leroy’s watch signals they need to get back inside, before the sun comes up. Sarah won’t leave but David tells Leroy to take care of her, Leroy agrees and grabs Sarah and tells the others to run. The sun starts to rise on the horizon. The group manage to get through the door and Sarah screams and tries to get back out but Leroy restrains her. The sun rises fast and we hear David scream in pain in the distance. Leroy tries to calm Sarah, she sits sobbing in the corner. Leroy struggles with the fact he failed to save someone else. Jane tries to comfort him, being flirtatious. Leroy is only half listening; he then notices Calum is missing. Leroy goes to find Calum and finds him creeping slowly up the stairs from the basement. Leroy tells him he can’t keep wandering off, Calum just wanted to see how hot it actually was. The following night the group break camp, Sarah wants to see David, Leroy tells her it’s best to remember him how he was. The group are walking along a highway towards a service station. Rounding a bend they see three Marauders pulling dead people out of cars. The service station is behind them. Sarah in a rage runs towards them, putting her anger at David’s death at them. Leroy runs forward gun in hand. He can’t take a shot because of Sarah. Sarah grabs one of the Marauders and wrestles it to the floor and starts attacking it. She picks up a rock from nearby and bashes the Marauder in the head killing it. The other two leap at Sarah. Leroy catches up and pulls Sarah away. The Marauders turn on Leroy. Calum picks up bits of debris from the floor an throws it. One turns and runs towards Calum, Leroy manages to pull off a shot at the Marauder that is going towards Calum. The bullet takes the Marauder in the head. Leroy is bit by his attacker. The attacker goes down, a shot from the service station. A group of people shout at Leroy to get inside with his group. A hooded figure observes the group, his face is covered. That day whilst the group sleep, Calum wanders off to look at toys. A Marauder captures him. Leroy wakes, looking around he can’t see Calum. Whilst he searches frantically he comes across a woman who said she heard screams from towards the back of the building. Leroy hears a scream. He rushes in, gun in hand. He encounters a Marauder who puts a gun to Calum’s head. It wants to trade Calum for Sarah. Leroy uses police tactics to manoeuvre around the Marauder and eventually manages to shoot but a ricochet hits Calum in the shoulder. Jane and Leroy tend to Calum, he will be okay. Jane tries to kiss Leroy, he accepts and Calum sees after waking briefly. Calum rolls over, a tear rolling down his cheek.”

  2. Nice! Much meatier. More menace, more mystery ( a lot of alliteration!) Now I have questions I want answered so I will wait for the answers.
    Everyone perfects their own technique, mine is to open with a question, directly or indirectly that the audience wants an answer to – I posted a first draft of a writing assignment http://ayrgael.wordpress.com/2011/04/09/1st-draft-chop-suey-a-creative-writing-project/
    As you can see it opens with the statement that ‘It was a mistake’ the immediate reasction to that is ‘what was?’ and people will stay with you to get the answer. I don’t have a copy of the picture this was written for but the first characters I introduced are right in a corner in fact the girl is barely visible. Find a good muse when you write, such as a painting or poem and look for the teeny things, imagine what is behind the door or just outside the frame, the human mind loves challenge and to unravel hidden things – it’s our job to find those things, then hint at the secrets we know and lead the audience to discover them for themselves. The best horror films are those which stop short of graphic explanation, they may not have the shock value that being explicit does but if you let an audience make its own investment they take it home afterwards and wonder about it for a while and remember it far longer.
    You now have a hook – who is the hooded figure? why does the mutant want sarah? Nicely done

  3. Toward the bottom you have the Line “Leroy uses police tactics to manoeuvre around the Marauder” But the word is spelled maneuver. Now I am in the US, and I know words are spelled different in England, so I might be wrong.

  4. Yes it is spelt differently and Dan has it correctly spelt for BBC submission.

    Dan can I just ask is this a formal proposal? do you need to show more of a breakdown? The BBC Writer’s room website has some very good advice and formatting templates that are worth making a note of if so.
    Good luck with it.

    1. This is just an assignment for University, I have to present it on Monday then have another week to tighten it up based on feedback I receive, depending on what mark I get for it and how much I like the idea by the time I’m done I may think about working on a spec script for it, as it stands I only have to develop the first ten minutes of the script for University.

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